Accepting My Husband’s Obsession with Pornography
August 17, 2023
Shifting to an acceptance that my husband had a long-standing secret obsession with pornography that might always be a part of his life…a part of our life…wasn’t easy. It wasn’t the porn itself that caused the problem. It was that my intimate partner, the person I should trust completely and feel closest to, might continue to hide this part of his life from me.
Acceptance wasn’t easy
At first, it was a challenge to accept that this is who he really is. Who am I kidding…for many, many years it was a challenge to accept that this is who he really is. I wanted him to be an exact replica of the image I had of him in my mind. I wanted him to be as comfortable with transparency as I am. I wanted him to share every aspect of himself and his life with me like I did with him. I wanted him to be 100% comfortable with who he is as a person, bad habits and all, because that’s what I value.
As I healed from the shock of multiple discoveries and realized his obsession with pornography was completely about him, not me, and completely within his control, not mine, I was able to grow through the trauma. I was able to see that he is who he is, whether it’s who I want him to be or not. My choices became clear. I could continue to wish he was someone else. If I chose that option, I would likely continue to feel bad in our relationship. Or, I could shift to the acceptance that my husband had an obsession with pornography.
My husband has had a long-standing history with secret compulsive pornography use. It’s part of his life history and part of who he is. Looking at it that way, how could I not accept it. My shift to acceptance didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of small changes in me and our relationship over time for it to happen. Acceptance only became possible as I moved through recovering from the shock of discovery and realizing his obsession with pornography didn’t mean anything negative about me. It became possible when I healed the pain I had felt for so long and truly embraced my self-worth and my right to feel better. This will always be a part of my life story now but acceptance is much easier when I focus on building a life that serves me and stop giving all of my energy to his problem with porn.
The pivotal points
I remember the pivotal points in my journey as a partner. For so long I tried to fix myself to be more desirable or more worthy. I also tried to fix him and his own emotional trauma that led to his secret obsession with porn. Now I know, I was focusing my time, energy and attention on the wrong things.
Things started to change when I “hit a wall”. I had a wake-up call that made me question who I had become. When did I lose my self-confidence? When did I start settling for less than I deserved? When had I stopped thriving in life and decided it was enough to just try to survive an unhappy relationship and an unhappy life? This isn’t who I wanted to be. I’d had enough.
Over the next couple of years, we tried several things to help the situation. Partner groups for me and men’s groups for him. Couples therapy and support groups for people dealing with the same problems we had. We tried to make our relationship work but I was still holding on to the pain and he was still hiding his obsession with pornography. Ultimately, we decided to get a divorce.
Looking back, divorce was the best decision for us at the time. I needed space. I couldn’t let go of the pain and heal when I was living in the same situation that had caused it. Our time apart gave me the space I needed to reflect and decide what I truly wanted for my life. Turns out, I really wanted to be with my husband. Being apart gave me a new perspective. It allowed me to notice that there were many great things about our relationship and the life we were building together. It also allowed me to see that there was more to my husband than his secret obsession with pornography. Our divorce also forced us to make some changes in our life that have served us well in the long run. We were stuck in some bad habits that probably would have persisted if we weren’t forced to change. I’m happy to say that we remarried a year after our divorce and things are much better now.
One thing I knew for sure is that I wanted to stay on this new path. I didn’t want to fall back into old patterns of hurt and the bad habits we had let go. Making this happen takes a conscious decision every day. When I am triggered, I have to remind myself of the decision I made and make sure it doesn’t throw me back into a trauma response. I have to remember all of the aspects of who my husband is and hold onto acceptance. We have to spend time talking and planning for the life we want. It requires daily action to move forward together toward our dream life.
There have been bumps along the road in our “second” marriage. But there has been a lot more openness and understanding between us too. We’ve broken down some of the walls that we built to protect ourselves and have found a way to be vulnerable. Like everything in life, there are good moments and there are not-so-good moments, but we choose to experience both and live our life fully.
I am determined to have a good life and a good marriage. The years between my first discovery and my shift to acceptance were difficult and painful and I don’t want to live like that anymore. The good news is that I get to choose how I live. It takes a conscious decision to choose a good life. It takes determination to create a good life even when there are challenges. I know what I want and I know what I deserve. I know it’s up to me to hold on to the pain of the past or let it go. I chose acceptance. It has given me the perspective I need to embrace who my husband is as a whole person. His obsession with pornography doesn’t define our life anymore, we do.
I’ve created an Acceptance Journal to help you shift toward acceptance in your own life. Download the journal here.