Writing to Heal: A Beneficial Practice for Partners of Porn Addicts
March 19, 2022
Discovering secrets and lies in your intimate relationship creates emotional pain. Writing can be a helpful tool as you move through the pain and begin to heal the emotional wounds. Not only can writing help with the process of healing but it can improve your overall mental and physical wellbeing.
As you write out your thoughts and feelings related to your personal experience with discovery and about your relationship in general, you are able to deal with the trauma in the moment. Writing gets your thoughts out of your mind so you are able to focus on other things, decrease stress, and gain clarity.
Rumination is common for partners. You replay different thoughts and scenarios over and over in your mind trying to make sense of them and solve the problems you are facing. Your brain wants to understand exactly what happened so it can help you avoid negative experiences in the future. Writing things out can actually help you make sense of them and decrease rumination.
Writing to gain a new perspective
Writing can also give you a different perspective about the situation. You become the writer (about the situation) and not the participant in the situation.
Discovery is difficult on so many levels and his secret compulsive porn use wasn’t right. How do I know? Because you wouldn’t feel the way you do if it was and I have experienced it myself. It is horrible! I also know that when you are in the middle of trying to figure out what has happened, what you need to do about it, and how to proceed in the future – you can’t because his behaviors and how they made you feel consume all of your focus. In order to heal, you have to be able to shift your focus or you will stay stuck.
Being able to gain a different perspective can help you find the good amidst all of the bad that you are experiencing right now. It can also help you see what you have learned and how it has made you stronger. As you reflect on the situation from a space that is slightly removed from the center of it, you become aware of triggers and can manage them better. You can reach a level of acceptance with yourself, your significant other, and his behaviors.
Write about what though…
There is no doubt that you have a lot of thoughts and feelings about what you have discovered in your relationship. There are no right things to write about or right things to say. Here are a few ideas about what you can write:
- A letter to him that you don’t share
- Write a letter to porn itself
- Get your intimate thoughts (uncensored) out on paper
- Write about your relationship
- Write a letter to your past self and/or your future self
- What have you learned through this experience
- Write whatever is on your mind and release yourself from the thoughts
As you engage in writing, you may gain more self-awareness and empowerment. If you find that you experience the opposite and it is too difficult to write or it creates overwhelming feelings, you can stop. You don’t have to keep writing. It could also be helpful to share the negative writing experience with your support system and therapist.
Expressive writing
This type of writing should be low stress. The idea is to freely write about whatever is on your mind so you can process your feelings and use them for personal development. It doesn’t have to be perfect so don’t worry about spelling, grammar, or punctuation. Have compassion for yourself as you write. It’s not easy but it can be very beneficial and help you gain closure.
How does writing help you heal?
- Get the thoughts out of your mind and stop the rumination
- See how the experience has taught you valuable lessons
- Begin to understand your emotions
- Relieve stress
- Organize and process what has happened so you can move on
- Change the focus from a negative past to a better future
- Improved wellbeing
- Better sleep
- Clearer mind
- Write out things that you aren’t able to say out loud
- Ability to be vulnerable in a safe space
- Explore answers for why this happened and gain acceptance
- Help foster forgiveness
- Take back control of your emotions and your life
- Explore the experience from different perspectives
- Make sense of fragmented thoughts and memories
With the enhanced healing and increased resilience that writing can provide, you can begin to move beyond this season in your life and focus on moving into a brighter future. You deserve to be happy and healthy. You deserve to experience peace and calmness in a life that feels amazing.
To start a writing practice, get a journal and other writing supplies. Find a place where you can keep the journal away from others. You will be writing about things that are private and you won’t want anyone else to read what you have written. Download a free printable 14 day journal to get started.