Here are 11 steps that you can take to begin healing the pain caused by his porn addiction:

1. Make yourself a priority. Up to this point, you may have expected your husband to make you a priority and he should have…but he didn’t. He may never be able to make you a priority. It all depends on his recovery, his ability to really understand how he hurt you and his goals for the relationship.
2. Learn about addiction and its impact on your husband’s brain. You need to know what he is dealing with and you also need to know what you are dealing with as his partner. The information is critical in creating a foundation for your future and deciding if you want to stay in the relationship or not.
3. Detach from all of the roles that you played in response to his active addiction. You don’t have to be the perfect housekeeper so his environment doesn’t cause stress. You don’t have to be the perfectly put together wife to compete for his attention and try to replace the images he sought out. You don’t have to be a workaholic trying to be productive and find a way to escape for a while too. Partners assume all kinds of roles that don’t serve them. Take a look at things you have been doing since discovery and stop doing the things that no longer serve you. Don’t go against who you really are at your core to “help” him. He can take care of himself.
4. Practice self-care and create routines that bring you peace and make your life easier. You have been under a ton of stress. Stress reduction activities are self-care and they can help protect your health. What relieves your stress? What hobbies do you enjoy? Reading, journaling, sleeping? How can you make sure activities that reduce your stress are part of your routine?
5. Get support. Partners frequently isolate themselves after discovery. We don’t want anyone to know what is really going on in our relationship and we are embarrassed. But, you need help and understanding. If you know other women who have been in a similar situation, they will understand what you are going through. Support groups like S-Anon can be helpful. My personal experience as a partner and my professional experience in healthcare allow me to coach women who have been betrayed by porn addiction. Therapists specially trained in sex addiction, CSATs, can provide formal help too.
6. Focus on what you can control which really boils down to you, your thoughts, your actions, and your decisions. So often, partners try to control anything that might make their husband stop acting out but it is just wasted energy. You can’t control him or his porn use.
7. Set boundaries that serve you, establish guardrails for what you will and will not tolerate, and that teach people how to treat you. This isn’t about punishing him or being unreasonable. Your boundaries create rules for you and for others to follow that will protect you and also align with the future that you deserve. If you set boundaries, be consistent. Make sure other people don’t violate your boundaries and enforce consequences if they do. Also make sure you follow any personal boundaries that you set for yourself.
8. Reclaim your life! You have given too much of your time and attention to his issues. I’m sure it has been exhausting. Plan for and take action toward the life that you want. Really think about the various areas of life (financial, hobbies, physical and mental health, relationships, career, spiritual) and decide what wellbeing in each area would look like for you. Set goals in each area and work to achieve them so you can create your dream life.
9. Build resiliency. You have already lived through challenges in life and bounced back from setbacks. Each time, you developed resiliency. You can do difficult things…this is just one more. Having a solid support system, focusing on the present and not dwelling on the past, and having a sense of hope are some of the ways to strengthen your resilience.
10. Prepare for a new normal. Nothing will be the same after this. Not you, not your husband, and not your relationship. Even when you both recover and heal from his porn addiction and the betrayal, things will be different. Your simple and carefree approach to love and to life will forever be changed because of this experience. Relapse is always a possibility and even though you know it’s a possibility, it won’t be easy to handle. Part of your new normal might include a plan for what you will do if there is a relapse.
11. Stop blaming yourself. None of this is your fault. Porn was a substance that met his needs, soothed his hurt feelings, and helped him cope with negative emotions. His obsession probably started long before he ever met you. You have to let go of the blame. If he tried to blame you for his decision to act out, he was wrong. Blaming you was part of the game to keep the porn in his life. Game over! If you enabled his addiction in any way, you have to let go of self-blame for those things too. Some partners watch porn with the addict or help him keep his secret. It’s normal…you were trying to save your relationship and maintain a sense of security. Now that you know those things won’t stop the addiction, you can stop doing them but don’t blame yourself for something that you didn’t know at the time.

Healing the pain is the path forward

Finding out about his porn addiction shatters the trust and happiness in your relationship. You both need support as you process the emotional pain and he works on recovery. He can’t understand how much this has hurt you and you can’t stop him from acting out.

As his partner, you have taken on more responsibility than you should have and focused on his needs instead of your own. The physical and emotional toll on your life has resulted in a pain worse than maybe anything you have ever experienced. It’s time to take action toward healing the pain and the steps listed above can help.