13 more years…really?

In therapy, we talked about how long it would take me to heal from the emotional trauma. In essence, if he had been hiding porn use from me for thirteen years and I had been enduring emotional trauma for thirteen years, the therapist said it could take the same amount of time for me to heal.

For the next thirteen years he would have to rebuild trust and intimacy. He’d have to work through the emotional reasons he turned to porn and find new ways to cope with his emotions. I would have to see his progress and wait for him to learn empathy.

I didn’t do the math. I just accepted the expectation that it would take thirteen years to undo the pain. 

Had I done the math, I would have realized that I accepted there would be a total of twenty-six years of trials, tribulations, and unhappiness in my marriage. Whoa. No thank you. Twenty-six years could be more than a quarter of my life. Again, no thank you.

A couple years into this second thirteen year sentence of unhappiness, I decided to reset my expectations. Did it really need to take that long? How could I heal faster?

I took control of my thoughts, my expectations, and my healing journey. Instead of focusing on my husband or the porn, I started to focus on me. My needs became the priority. I took responsibility for myself and let my husband take responsibility for himself. Whether he looked at porn or not, I was enough. I stepped into this truth. Immediately, I began to heal. I began to feel better. Our relationship improved.

Where are we today?

Today, we are in a good place. It didn’t take thirteen years. Thank goodness. It took a shift in my focus and a commitment to do what felt good and moved my life forward in a positive direction.

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