Six actions you can take to rebuild emotional safety

Acknowledge Your Feelings

Emotions are a guide. When you experience negative emotions, your initial instinct might be to avoid feeling them. It’s natural to not want to feel bad. In the aftermath of betrayal, it’s essential to give yourself permission to feel the depth and breadth of your emotions. Whether it’s anger, sadness, confusion, or a combination of them all, acknowledging your feelings is the first step towards healing. Your emotions are valid, and by embracing them, you open the door to understanding and acceptance.

Acknowledging your feelings isn’t always easy. For years, I lived in “fix it” mode. I wanted to fix whatever led my husband to porn in the first place. I wanted to fix any flaws in myself because I falsely believed it was something I was lacking that made him seek out porn. When I finally stopped trying to fix all the possible problems, I had to face my feelings. Being busy helped me avoid them. Acknowledging them helped me heal. 

Set Clear Boundaries

Boundaries show self-respect and offer protection. In the aftermath of discovery and betrayal, you may have realized where some boundaries were lacking in your life and also identified new boundaries you need in order to rebuild your emotional safety. Get clear what you need for your emotional well-being. It’s time to redefine and reinforce your personal boundaries.  You can choose to openly communicate them or not. The most important thing about boundaries is knowing what you will do when they are crossed. This not only safeguards your space but also serves as a powerful declaration of self-worth.

I used to think that boundaries were about what someone else would or wouldn’t do. This idea was even reinforced by a therapist during my recovery. I was encouraged to set boundaries that sounded like this – “if my husband has a relapse, then he will do go to extra meetings”. Maybe you’ve been encouraged to write similar boundaries. What I leaned over time was that boundaries aren’t about the other person, they are about me, the person making the boundaries. Now, my boundaries sound like this – “if during a conversation, my husband defends an inappropriate action, then I will end the conversation and leave the room”. My boundaries are about protecting my emotional safety and put me in control of what will happen when they are crossed. Staying in the conversation, trying to make him understand my point of view or my pain, keeps me in a negative situation that doesn’t feel good and doesn’t protect my peace.  Expecting him to go to a meeting or talk to his therapist makes my wellbeing contingent on him doing something. What if he doesn’t? I continue to stay stuck in the negative situation and continue to feel bad. That’s not acceptable. My boundaries and the action I take when they are crossed support my needs and my emotional safety. 

Seek Support and Connection

Your support system can be a source of strength. Reach out to trusted friends or family. Consider seeking guidance from a professional counselor, therapist or coach. Sharing your experiences with those you trust reminds you that you are not alone in your journey. Healing from betrayal isn’t easy. Being the partner of a porn addict isn’t easy. You don’t have to do this alone. Let your support system become pillars of strength, holding you up when you need it most.

Over the years, I relied on a variety of different people for support including friends, therapists, and support groups of other partners who were experiencing a similar situation. They were all important during different phases of my journey. 

Nurture Self-Care Rituals

Self-care can comfort and soothe you as you navigate the challenges in your relationship. It will also be an important part of your healing journey and life going forward. Integrate self-care practices into your daily routine, whether it’s a soothing bath, a mindful walk, or moments of quiet reflection. These rituals are not indulgences; they are lifelines that nurture your well-being and help restore a sense of balance and emotional safety. 

Some of my self-care rituals are part of my daily life. Exercising, meditating, and listening to podcasts are built into my schedule. I also enjoy reading a good book and spending time in the pool. Practicing self-care early after discovery helped me keep some sense of normalcy in my life when most things felt chaotic and uncertain. Continuing to practice self-care now helps me take good care of myself physically and emotionally. It helps me enjoy life. 

Reflect on Your Strengths

In the aftermath of betrayal, it’s easy to lose sight of our own resilience. Take a moment to reflect on your strengths, the qualities that have carried you through past challenges. You’ve been through tough times before. You’ve done hard things.  Recognize your abilities and let them guide you through the healing process.

Dealing with the trauma day in and day out took its toll. Over time, I felt like I lost connection to who I truly was. I went through the motions but most of the time I felt numb. I had experienced traumatic situations and challenges before. My inner strength and perseverance had gotten me through tough times. I just needed to remember and draw on my resilience to get me through this one too. 

Embrace the Journey

Healing is not a linear path; it’s a journey filled with ups and downs. Embrace the process, allowing yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Each step you take towards defining and creating safety is a victory—a testament to your courage and strength.

Remember, this journey is uniquely yours, and you have the power to emerge from it stronger and more resilient. In the space you create for yourself, you’ll find not only safety but also the opportunity for profound self-discovery.

Creating emotional safety

Rebuilding emotional safety is a pivotal step towards regaining trust and finding a path forward so you can heal. The six actions outlined above—acknowledging your feelings, setting clear boundaries, seeking support and connection, nurturing self-care rituals, reflecting on your strengths, and embracing the journey—can help you create the emotional safety you need. They help you build space where you are safe to heal. They can put you back in control. 

Healing requires courage. The path has it’s ups and downs and it takes time. In the safe emotional space you create for yourself, you have the power to emerge stronger and more resilient, ready to embrace life with a newfound sense of purpose and understanding.

Free Guide

 A guide for your journey of defining and creating safety after betrayal. Take the time you need, honor your emotions, and remember that you are on a path of strength and resilience. You have the power to shape your own narrative and create a future filled with empowerment and healing.

Download The Guide Here