Building a Strong Relationship After Discovering His Secret Obsession with Porn

Communication is vital. Communicate openly and honestly about how you feel, both positive and negative. Share your fears. Say what you want and really need. Have tough, uncomfortable conversations. Take time to listen to him as well. When he is comfortable enough to share details and the honest truth about his porn use, you will take steps toward a strong relationship. Listening doesn’t mean trying to convince him that your perspective is the right one. As you recover from the shock and truly heal, you will be able to see different perspectives. There isn’t one right answer or way to deal with his pornography obsession. Over time, you will figure out what the answer is for you and your relationship. Keep communicating and keep learning about each other. 

Spend time together. Spending time together will help strengthen your relationship. The time that he spent with porn and not with you wasn’t good for the relationship. You’ve spent enough time apart. Him with porn and you trying to navigate the aftermath of discovery. As you heal and work to rebuild a strong relationship, you’ll notice when you need to spend more quality time together. Build routines that support you, each other, and the relationship. Start dating each other again and create new memories. Have fun together. Life is meant to be fun. Love is meant to be fun. 

Spend time alone. Spending time alone will help you tune into your needs. You’ll have time to do things you enjoy, things that give you positive energy. When you spend time alone, you feel more relaxed, recharged, and refreshed. You have more to give to the relationship. The better you know yourself, the better you will navigate the new reality you find yourself in. Instead of reacting to what has happened in a negative way, you will be thoughtful about your response. You will respond in a way that is best for you. 

Accept what is. Things didn’t quite turn out the way you imagined. Some of your dreams may have been crushed. Dwelling on it isn’t going to change what happened because you can’t change the past. Accept him for who he is and how things are today. If you can’t, leaving the relationship is also an option. Not accepting what is will only hurt you. Expecting something different will weaken your relationship. You will be disappointed, frustrated, and unhappy. 

Show respect and appreciation. Show respect and appreciation for both the little things and big things. It’s a way to connect but also a way to focus on the good in him and in your relationship. How does he make your life better? Is he always filling your car with gas or does he surprise you with flowers? Does he run to the store when you are out of a recipe ingredient or hold down the fort while you go away for a girl’s weekend? Does he go to work everyday so you can stay home with the kids? After discovery, everything seems so negative. You might think it’s impossible to respect him or appreciate him. It’s your choice. You can focus on disrespect or respect. You can focus on disapproval or appreciation. You have evidence that he is worthy of both sides of the coin. If you want to build a strong relationship, find a reason to say thank you. It’s a small step forward. 

Work to rebuild trust. Rebuilding trust in the relationship starts with trusting yourself. Live with integrity and alignment with who you are. You have to be truthful about how you feel and the boundaries you need to feel safe. They are 100% valid. Only when you trust yourself, can you begin to understand him.  You can understand why he hid his porn use from you. You’ll see that he was afraid, embarrassed, unsure. There’s a chance you wouldn’t have been too fond of the actual truth anyway. Find a new starting point to rebuild trust. Create a space where each of you can be your true self. Support each other. Love each other.