Deciding to Trust Him Again
January 31, 2023
Discovering your significant other’s secret obsession with pornography creates distrust. When you have been hurt, it is difficult to know if it will ever be safe to trust again. The reality is that you never really know for sure. Working through the pain and regaining a strong level of trust in yourself will help you make the decision. Knowing that you will take care of your own physical and emotional needs regardless of external circumstances or what he does is very powerful.
Be honest with yourself. Do you want to try to rebuild trust? Knowing what you know, do you think it’s even possible to rebuild trust? If you need more time to make the decision, give yourself the time. It’s okay to give yourself space to think things through and make sure you feel good about your decision.
Trust is important
Trust is possibly the most important aspect of an intimate relationship. If you can’t rebuild trust with your significant other but you stay in the relationship, negative emotions like worry, sadness, and resentment will fester. You will continue to feel hurt and stuck in an unhealthy relationship. If you can’t regain trust in yourself, you will be apprehensive about making decisions and have low self-worth. It will prevent you from living a vibrant and joyful life.
Trusting again is your choice
Rebuilding trust will take time and it won’t be easy. It’s actually harder to extend trust after you’ve been hurt than it was to extend the trust in the first place. You’ll also need to recover from the shock of discovery and begin healing so you are clear on what you want and need. Once you are in a good place, you can think about trusting him.
Know your trust will be different this time. You know that he has been willing to keep secrets and hide his obsession with pornography from you. Intentional or not, you know he is capable of hurting you. Not only will your trust be different, you’re different and your relationship is different. Not bad, just different.
The good news is that you get to choose. If you choose to trust him, you must also trust that you have made that decision based on the best information and intuitive knowledge that you have at the time. You have to be willing to trust again even without guarantees. If you decide that trusting again isn’t in your best interest, that is okay too.
Preparing to trust him again
Focus on strengthening your self-confidence. Even though you have been hurt, you can step out of the victim role and into a role of power in your life. Trust the boundaries that you have in place and your ability to enforce those boundaries with yourself and others. When you communicate about your boundaries, use the conversation as a trust building exercise for your relationship.
Use this painful experience as a learning opportunity. It can be a helpful guide as you define what you want your future to look like. As you decide how the circumstances of your future will look, also decide who you will be when you show up for that future. Trust that you are strong enough to be your best self. Allow this painful experience to stay in the past and get excited about all of the new experiences you will have as you move beyond the pain and step into the life you deserve.
Make a commitment to yourself that you will trust yourself. You have made good decisions many times in the past and you can trust yourself to continue to do so in the future. As you evaluate your current relationship, use your past experiences, intuition, and other valuable cues to determine whether or not to extend trust.
In summary
As you consider whether or not you can trust him again, remember you at the center of everything.
- You get to decide whether or not to trust again
- You can take all the time you need to make your decision
- Trust in yourself is more important than your trust in him
- You deserve to feel safe, respected, and loved
- Make sure your needs are met and know you can take care of yourself
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