3 Steps To Start Taking Back Control Of Your Life After Discovery
August 29, 2023
After discovering your significant other has been hiding an obsession with pornography, your life can get pulled off course. Your daily routine consists of worrying about what he is doing and what else you don’t know about him or his unhealthy habits. Surviving the pain and negative emotions requires all of your energy and focus. It’s easy to lose sight of what’s important to you and let go of the habits and self-care practices that supported your overall health and wellbeing.
After discovery, life feels hard and you lose your sense of control. The harsh reality is that you’ve let his problem with porn have the control. An important step on your healing journey is to take back control!
Time for Reflection
When life feels overwhelming, take time to pause and reflect on why you feel like you’ve lost control. What are you spending your energy on? What are you trying to control that isn’t possible for you to control? What decisions are you avoiding and what’s holding you back? Are you living on autopilot or with intention? What boundaries are lacking in your life?
Once you’ve worked through why you feel like you’ve lost control, start to work towards gaining it back. The porn problem may still be there but you don’t have to give it all of your time, energy and attention. Start putting yourself first and take back control of your life.
3 ways to take back control of your life:
Set aside time for yourself.
- Spending time alone is an important part of your healing journey. When you are alone you can get back in touch with yourself, your needs, and your desires. You can connect with that still small voice inside and tune into your inner wisdom. It knows how to guide you forward.
- Think about activities you enjoy doing by yourself. Solitude can be peaceful and gives you time to gather your thoughts. Set aside time to do the things you love. Maybe you like to take a warm bubble bath, indulge in your favorite television show, or go for a walk. Give yourself permission to do them and enjoy them, guilt-free. They are important!
- Doing things for yourself will help clear your head and make you feel in control. Self-care is important. Sometimes you have to say no other people or other things so you can say yes to yourself.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel worthwhile.
- Friends can add happiness and joy to your life. They can support you through this difficult time too. You can thrive off each other’s company, but remember to choose your circle wisely. You should strive for friends that boost you up, make you feel happy and worthwhile, and take a real interest in your life.
- Support groups and other women who have experienced discovery and betrayal in their relationship can also support you on your healing journey. The level of vulnerability and honesty you can express with women who understand what you are going through is helpful beyond measure. You can talk about your struggles without fear of judgment. Sometimes just talking through negative emotions or concerns puts you back in control.
- If someone consistently makes you anxious and miserable, consider limiting your time with them. This isn’t always easy, especially if they are family members. If they aren’t contributing to your overall wellbeing, they are impacting your ability to heal and move forward. You don’t have to confront them. Just know that you can control who you spend time with and who you allow to influence your life.
Spend your time and energy building a life that fulfills and thrills you.
- Take some time to map out the life you’ve always dreamed of. When you shift from spending time and energy on the things in your life that make you feel bad and keep you stuck to focusing on the life of your dreams, you begin to feel immensely better. Again, his porn problem may still be there and the memories of discovery and the pain you felt may be there too. But you get to choose what you focus on. Every step toward your dream life is a step toward healing and thriving.
- You only have this one life, you should thoroughly enjoy it and feel in control. Taking intentional action is the best way forward even when it seems impossible because of what you’ve been through. Trust me, you can move beyond the pain and build the life of your dreams. You deserve to be happy!
Take back control of your life
Put simply, you can take back control of your life by being open and honest, putting yourself first sometimes, and pushing yourself to do the things you’ve always dreamed of doing. The shocking discovery of his obsession with pornography will always be a part of your life experience now. The aftermath you’ve been working through will too. The good news, it doesn’t have to overshadow the other parts of your life. You can start to take the steps to be more in control of your life!
Rene Sims is an author and coach dedicated to helping women whose life has been negatively impacted by their significant other’s compulsive pornography use. If you need help on your recovering from the shock of discovery, healing the emotional pain, and building a life where you can thrive, schedule time to talk with Rene here.