Why his Porn Habit Hurts

Lying to you about his porn habit hurts the most

Being lied to and finding a secret part of your husband’s life is what hurts the most. Trust is lost immediately. Even if he is able to convince you, like my husband did, that the porn doesn’t mean anything to him and he promises to stop…chances are that he is lying about that too. You might believe him after the first discovery. It’s totally understandable because you want to believe that your relationship is going to be okay. If he was lying and he continues his porn habit, trust will be eroded with each future discovery.

Even if they want to, porn addicts aren’t able to quit their habit very easily. Most of the time, they need outside support from 12-step programs, possibly therapy, and other people who will help them stay accountable. Just wanting to quit isn’t enough.

A glimpse into my experience…

After the first discovery, my husband told me that he would quit looking at porn and that I was so much more important to his life than it ever was. He cried and beat some piece of the computer with a hammer to prove how serious he was. Only he wasn’t. We faced several more years of repeated discoveries and compulsive lying. Eventually, I was worn out and ready to leave. We finally took serious steps to get help.

It was then that he admitted that he never wanted to kick his porn habit the other times. When there was another discovery, he knew that I was upset and that he needed to say the right things to smooth things over between us. He even stopped acting out long enough for my suspicions to fall aside and things in our relationship to go back to “normal”. But then he went right back to the porn.

He would find a new way to access it and keep it hidden. Unfortunately, this also increased his risk of other consequences because his porn consumption and acting out was taking place outside of our home where other people could find out. Only when I reached the point of leaving him did he actually make an effort to stop. By that point, I had been repeatedly betrayed and any shred of trust was gone.

More ways his porn habit hurts you

You haven’t only lost trust in your husband to be honest and truthful. Trust in love and trust in the relationship is gone too. He can’t possibly realize how unsafe his actions make you feel. The closest person in your life feels like a stranger. You don’t know what is real anymore or even how to begin to find out. The whole thing is very confusing. Realizing the risks that he would take for his porn habit is scary. Not only is he at risk for consequences but so are you.

If he loses his job because he is acting out at work or spends money on his porn habit, your finances will be affected too. Getting in trouble for any illegal porn related activities would impact him but would also be devastating for you. Even something as minor as shirking his responsibilities at home so he can use that time to act out impacts you. You have to pick up the slack. Just the fact that he would take these risks, hurts.

In some ways his preference for porn instead of a satisfying and healthy sexual relationship with you feels like a personal attack. You might feel bad about yourself as a wife and as a woman. It can feel like you aren’t enough for him physically or that you’re not exciting enough in the bedroom. None of this is true…his porn habit has nothing to do with you but it hurts just the same.

Additional pain comes from being disconnected from your spouse and not knowing why or what to do about it. Your husband can have withdrawal symptoms if he doesn’t get his porn fix. Moodiness and even aggressiveness can be signs of withdrawal impacting the way he engages or responds to you. Porn also changes his expectations of sex with you and puts you at a disadvantage because what he sees on the screen isn’t realistic.

In the end, the hurt caused by his porn habit has a negative impact on your health in all aspects. From a mental standpoint, you experience strong negative emotions and even post-traumatic stress disorder. Stress becomes your constant companion. Physically you might experience issues related to sleeping and eating, headaches or other physical pain, and even a weakened immune system.

As partners, we unknowingly hurt ourselves too. By comparing ourselves to porn stars or other women and trying to compete with porn for his time and attention, we cause internal anguish and pain. It’s a form of self-betrayal when we deny that we are good enough and worthy enough just the way we are. You don’t have to look put together and polished every minute of the day. You don’t have to spend your precious time policing his activities or engaging in activities that you don’t want to do to make him happy. None of that matters anyway because it’s not what caused the addiction in the first place.

It’s crazy to look back and see how much of my time and energy was spent in some way related to his addiction. Maybe you can say the same. As women, time is a precious commodity and we never seem to have enough of it. It’s sad to think about what we could have been doing instead of frantically watching his every move and searching for answers to our endless questions. Life could have been slower and simpler. Maybe you would have been able to sit outside and read a good book or take the time to get through your to-do list without running from sun up to sun down. Giving up time that could have been spent on something that brings you joy or that contributes to a happy stable life hurts.

How to heal the hurt

• Get support
• Don’t accept blame for his addiction
• Practice self-care and stress reduction activities
• Spend time and energy on your goals and dreams
• Be patient with yourself and expect healing to take time
• Learn about porn addiction so you can make informed decisions
• Journal
• Set boundaries that keep you safe

 There is no doubt that his porn habit hurts you. I, like many other women, have experienced it firsthand. It took a lot of work and a long time to heal. Now, I coach other women who want to heal the pain. Learn more here.