Three Components of Self-Compassion for Partners of Porn Addicts

Dr Kristin Neff defined the following three components of self-compassion:

• Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
• Common humanity vs. Isolation
• Mindfulness vs. Over-identification

The first of the three components of self-compassion is just like it sounds…be kind to yourself instead of judging yourself. When your significant other compulsively uses pornography for sexaul pleasure, it’s easy to go down the path of self-criticism. You tell yourself that he seeks out pornography because you aren’t pretty enough or sexy enough. Quiet your inner critic because it’s not true. Don’t judge yourself or put yourself down. He compulsively uses pornography because he has a problem not because there is anything wrong with you. 

The second of the three components of self-compassion focuses on the fact that we are all human, we all have flaws, and we are all navigating this thing called life. Many other women are going through a very similar situation right now. It can be helpful to connect with them to share encouragement and support. A support group for partners provides a safe community. Instead of isolating yourself or feeling like you have to deal with this on your own, reach out. Look for a support group in your area or online. If you prefer to share your story on a smaller scale, consider my coaching program. 

The third component of self-compassion is a reminder to be mindful and not let your negative emotions define you. Rumination is very common after discovery. You play the same thoughts and situations over and over in your mind. Unfortunately, this keeps you stuck in a negative loop. Mindfulness can help you get out of the negative loop. Focus on the present moments. Focus on what is true. You are experiencing a challenging situation. It’s painful. This situation doesn’t define who you are. Don’t let it tear you down. Comfort yourself as you move through the pain.