The Partner of a Porn Addict: My Personal Story

Being the partner of a porn addict

The cycle of porn addiction plagued our relationship for over a decade. There were multiple discoveries. Each time he would promise to stop and then he would go back to it. All the while, I did everything I could think of to fix the situation, but nothing worked. 

The constant stress related to his addiction, running a household, both of us working, and raising kids took its toll on me. I didn’t see it at the time because the changes happened slowly over the years, but I was losing myself. I became less social. I became angry and lost hope that our marriage would survive. I was never happy with my body. I compensated by overworking. If I couldn’t be successful in my marriage and my home life, then I needed to be successful at work. 

Even though I was falling apart on the inside, to the outside world I seemed to have it all together living the perfect life. I kept the issues in our marriage hidden and kept his porn addiction a secret. The shame and embarrassment pushed me to create a normal appearance to everyone else. 

We both had great careers and good salaries. We had achieved the American dream – owning a big house in an affluent neighborhood with 2 luxury cars in the garage. Our monthly date nights were posted on social media. Nobody could know the truth. We were trapped by fear of the stigma associated with his compulsive and dangerous pornography use.

My wake-up calls

As you can imagine, something eventually had to give. Pretending like everything was fine and ignoring the giant elephant in our relationship could only go on for so long. I think he hoped it would go on forever because he was living a double life that met all of his needs. 

My wake-up call came from two different messengers, an old high-school boyfriend and another partner. My ex-boyfriend was in town and I spent some time visiting with his family. I was instantly transplanted back in time. I felt like the old me. Someone else thought I was smart, pretty, and worthy. When did I stop believing these things about myself?

Within a very short amount of time, I was talking with another woman who shared that her husband had gone to jail for charges related to child pornography. She was blindsided dealing with divorce and a total upheaval of her life. To my knowledge, my husband had never been engaged with child pornography but hearing about her situation churned up a new fear for me. If he was accessing porn on the internet, how did he know the age of the girls in the pictures? What if they were underage and he didn’t know it but got in trouble like this other woman’s husband?

Taking care of myself

Over the next few weeks, I questioned myself constantly. Why was I putting up with this cycle of addiction in my relationship? When did my outlook on life go from positive to negative? Why was I desperately trying to change who I was to meet an impossible standard that my husband found in porn stars? I used to feel so strong, capable, accomplished, and proud in my life and I didn’t feel that way anymore. 

The pattern had to stop. His addiction couldn’t remain a secret anymore and we needed to find help. We both tried support groups, then we went to therapy with someone who specializes in porn/sex addiction.  We attended a couples group with several other couples who were dealing with similar issues in their relationship. Some of this was helpful, but my husband continued to lie to me and to them. He wouldn’t follow through on the tasks that the therapist assigned him and I really didn’t see the change in his behavior that I expected. 

So, I decided to file for divorce. We were divorced for a year and that separation allowed both of us time to reflect on what we really needed and wanted. I realized that I had enjoyed so many parts of our life together. He realized that while he was active in his addiction, he couldn’t have me in his life. He stopped compulsively using porn and we were able to rebuild our relationship leading to remarriage. 

The other big outcome for me was finding myself again. Even though I was the partner of a porn addict, I was no longer the victim and was able to let go of the damage his addiction caused. 

Now, I know my worth and make sure that my needs are met. Even though I am in a marriage, I don’t look for my husband to meet my needs and I don’t define my worth by what he does or doesn’t do. Self-care and self-love are my priorities. Knowing that I will be fine regardless of what happens in my marriage is very powerful.

You don’t have to do this alone

The real turning point for partners of porn addicts happens when you are able to turn your focus from him to you. Spending our time and energy on him and his addiction comes at the expense of ourselves. It’s not easy to put yourself first and it might even sound selfish, but it is necessary for healing. 

If you are in a situation similar to mine and would like to talk, schedule a call with me here. In my coaching practice, I help partners understand the impact that porn addiction has on them and help them heal the wounds of betrayal. I know first hand what you are going through and I want you to know that you don’t have to do this alone. You can find peace and live the life of your dreams.