Whether it’s the cycle of discovering your husband’s addiction and then his promise to quit using pornography, or maybe its the rediscovery caused by a relapse and now you have to face the betrayal all over again. The cycle of emotions could also be what you feel as you recognize that he is successfully engaging in recovery efforts, but you know there is a long road ahead for your relationship. The partner’s journey to healing and recovery is not straight or easy.
Emotional ups
Some days seem hopeful and it looks like your husband is taking the actions necessary to recovery. On those days, you remember why you love him and remember so many loving moments between the two of you. It almost looks like a joyful life together is in your future. In your personal recovery journey, you are building resilience and you are beginning to feel like you can handle the situation. Thoughts of how you have overcome difficult situations or have overcome an extreme challenge in the past fuel your mind. You know you can do this!
Emotional downs
Other days, you are frightened about what the future holds. Will he relapse, will he get caught, will life as you know it be ruined. You are unsure about everything in your relationship and your life at the moment. The fear is palpable. Questions about your self-worth show up and you begin to wonder whether or not you are good enough. You respond to triggers and events in a way that you regret. Emotions like shame, anger, humiliation, and rejection catch you off guard. At some point, the realization that you have been denying your own wants and needs lead to feelings of resentment.
The ups and downs are normal
When you experience the cycle of emotions, give yourself Grace and don’t judge yourself. As a partner, your feelings are normal. The ups and downs are normal. Discovering his pornography addiction is a very traumatic event…and you may have experienced more than one discovery which is even more traumatic. Your feelings are valid. It’s important that you feel the feelings that show up and begin to process them. Avoiding your feelings won’t help. When a feeling shows up – acknowledge it, feel it, understand why you are feeling it, and know that it is okay. The up and down cycle of emotions will be unpredictable at times.
Healing
As you move through your personal journey of recovering from the trauma caused by your husband’s pornography addiction, you will begin to heal. The ups and downs in the cycle of emotions will begin to even out. Remember, you cannot fix your husband’s problems for him. He has to engage in his own healing process…or not. Regardless, you still need to heal. Choose you! Choose to work on your own healing and focus on your own needs. You are important and deserve to have the life of your dreams.
Practice self-care
Self-care has two components. You’ve heard of self-care activities like:
- Journaling
- Exercising
- Watching a movie
- Reading for pleasure
- Listening to music or a podcast
- Engaging in your hobbies
- Getting outside to enjoy nature
The second component of self-care, that is important for partners, is personal accountability. If you want to workout 5 times a week, then do it. Maybe you want to engage in one fun activity a month with each of your kids, do it. If you want 9 hours of sleep, stick to a routine that gets you 9 hours of sleep. As a partner, it’s so easy to come up with reasons why we can’t do these things or why it just won’t work out “this time”. You have to learn to trust yourself again. Doing the things that you say you will do is a big step toward rebuilding that trust in yourself.
Conclusion
When you entered this relationship, you likely didn’t know that it came with instructions to buckle your seatbelt and keep your hands inside the ride at all times. I don’t mean to downplay what you have been through…what we’ve been through… but I do equate it to an emotional roller coaster that you didn’t buy a ticket for! You’ve been hit with unexpected, intense trauma and it can wear you out. Understand that the ups and downs are very normal and are a sign that you are making progress on working through the emotional trauma. You aren’t ignoring your feelings anymore or trying to keep the peace. Recognizing and expressing your emotions are two very good steps in your personal recovery. If you need additional help, check out these additional resources.
*The information contained on this site is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. In addition, blog posts may contain affiliate links which means that I may be compensated if you click and make a purchase.