Is your significant other’s pornography addiction ruining more than your relationship? There are so many unhealthy and toxic things that partners experience in these relationships. This list is not all-inclusive, but here are 8 things you may be experiencing.
Gaslighting
Your significant other may do or say things that create self-doubt for you. They take the focus off of them and put it back on you in a negative way. Having you find out about their pornography use is the last thing they want because it’s likely tied to a lot more than just viewing pornography. You begin to question whether you really saw what you think you saw and at an extreme, may question you sanity. The more this happens, the more your self-esteem will plummet. Gaslighting happened often in my relationship. I’d run into what looked like another discovery of his pornography use and he would keep trying to deny it. All the while, trying to convince me that I didn’t see it on his computer or that I had interpreted the situation wrong. In all of those cases, what I saw and what I suspected was correct and only when he could no longer deny it, would the truth com out.
They Refuse To Take Responsibility
Most porn addicts will refuse to take responsibility for their actions. They want to blame someone or something else. Irresponsibility extends beyond things related to the addiction. I think that I’ve heard it all but I’m sure that I haven’t. The email server or search engine put the images on his computer…blah, blah, blah. It’s my fault because of my work hours or my need to take care of the kids…blah, blah, blah. Again, I saw evidence of irresponsibility showing up in other areas like breaking the rules at work and not finishing projects around the house. Seems like this is a core issue.
No Give and Take – They Just Take
Really, it boils down to them expecting you do things for them and meet their needs. However, they won’t reciprocate. Many porn addicts are also narcissists or at least have narcissistic characteristics. In my relationship, I found this to be true primarily around anything that related to sex or outward appearance. I would say that my significant other did give to me in a lot of ways. He took care of a lot of things to get them off my plate or make my life a little easier. The hard part is that you can’t really separate aspects of your life that easily. When the actions aren’t consistent in all areas, it creates general negative feelings about the whole relationship.
Verbal or Emotional Abuse
Your significant other may put you down, manipulate you to get what they want, or try to control you in some way. They may say hurtful things and criticize your looks, your body, or the way you live your life. If you feel like your significant other is shaming you or they call you names, it’s a form of abuse. My significant other would criticize me about my weight (even though I have never been overweight). At times, he would try to control what I ate which fostered a sense of insecurity. I would constantly alter my behavior to try to keep up with whatever I thought he wanted me to be. He would manipulate situations to get me out of the house so he could engage with his addiction. The emotional abuse happened in many ways.
Lack of Empathy
Many addicts cannot see situations from someone else’s point of view. They are very good at completely dismissing how you feel or your pleas for them to understand how you feel or what you are going through. There is no attempt to understand what you are experiencing or what you need. Again, this occurred primarily around sex in my relationship. He wanted his needs met and anything that I might be experiencing that would interfere with that happening. In relation to viewing porn, NOTHING stood in his way.
Limit a Partner’s Social Interaction
Does it seem like your significant other doesn’t want you to spend time with anyone else? They may actually take direct actions that limit your contact with family and friends. I think I limited my own social interaction over time because of what was going on in our relationship. I pulled back from relationships with female friends out of fear that he may be fantasizing about them, comparing me to them, or thinking about trying to cheat on me with them. Volunteering and going to evening events happened less and less because I wanted to be home and possibly prevent him from acting out.
Say One Thing but Do Something Else
You may get great lip service from your significant other about what they are going to do. But, they don’t actually do what they say. It goes back the saying that actions speak louder than words and what they say and do are two different things. Probably the biggest example I have of this is directly related to his use of pornography. Every time I had another discovery, he would say that he would stop. There’d be tons of talking about why he did it and why he wasn’t going to do it anymore. I’d even ask periodically because I was never really sure if he stopped but he would continue to say that he did. Then, there would be another discovery. Similarly to what I said in the section on irresponsibility, there were constant examples outside of the addiction too with things that seem small in comparison.
Not Trustworthy
Do you worry that your significant other is not being truthful? Maybe you feel like you really don’t know what is actually going on. They continue to engage in activities that put you at risk, put them at risk, or at a minimum just aren’t activities that are good for you. You can imagine with every new discovery of his continued pornography use, my trust in my significant other decreased and eventually completely eroded. The number of times that he lied to me is absolutely ridiculous! My gut would tell me something was wrong and then I’d find out that it was right. In my opinion, the ways that he engaged in pornography over time so he could continue to hide it from me, created risks that would negatively impact him, me, and our family.
Don’t Let Their Pornography Addiction Hold You Back
Set Boundaries – This is important whether you continue with the relationship or not. Make sure you take care of yourself first. Know what you are willing to allow in your life and are willing to address along with the things that you aren’t. Once you make sure you take care of your needs and you feel fairly safe in the situation, then you can think about how you will respond to their needs and requests. You May Need to Leave the Relationship – Ultimately, this is your own personal choice. If you can successfully set boundaries and find safe ground for yourself, great. If you are being abused or feel the relationship will continue to have a negative impact on you, then the best option may be to get out and heal yourself. Forcing you to do things that you don’t want to do, not allowing you to make decisions for yourself, and being controlled are all signs of abuse and you should get help and protect yourself. There are non-addicts out there and you might find a better relationship than the one you are currently in. Never Stop Growing – It can be very difficult to grow when you are struggling just to get through the day and maintain your mental health. You will need to continue to grow as a person so you can have positive experiences outside of your relationship. Personal growth will help you at work, will help you with your friendships, and will help your relationship with yourself. Learn new information, read, engage in new hobbies. Don’t let a relationship with a porn addict stop you from reaching your personal goals. Use Resources – Whether you choose to talk with a therapist, join a support group, or just read as much as you can about partner recovery with porn addiction, there are resources available to you. I have done all 3 and found them valuable. S-Anon is an organization for partners of sex addicts and you may find their resources helpful. I’ve read several books geared toward partners as well. Here are a few that you might want to check out:
