Porn Addiction Hurts the Partner
October 23, 2021
Porn addiction hurts the partner in ways they never could have imagined. In a relationship where you once felt safe, loved, important…you now feel betrayed. Betrayal hurts. For partners of porn addicts, the betrayal causes significant emotional pain.
Unfortunately, the addict may not realize that his addiction is causing you pain and he certainly can’t understand it. He is unable to see how his porn addiction hurts you or really has anything to do with you because he is able to compartmentalize.
Even though he can’t see it, you feel the intense pain and have to struggle to deal with it every day. His compulsive seeking out and masturbating to pornography feels like the ultimate betrayal in marriage. Porn is replacing you as his intimate partner.
His primary relationship is with porn
His compulsive obsession with porn and the amount of time that he spends with it directly steals time from you. Instead of going out with you, watching TV with you, or being intimate with you, he is spending time with porn. His porn addiction hurts because his primary relationship is with pornography.
In active addiction when he wants to feel sexual pleasure – he turns to porn, not you. The emotional pain comes from the harsh reality that he has allowed porn to take your place in the relationship. As a result, your self-esteem plummets. You have strong negative emotions that take a toll on your health and wellbeing.
Porn addiction ruins your relationship
Porn addiction hurts because it shatters the foundation of your relationship and leads to a breakdown of trust. The health of the relationship is compromised by a lack of respect and dishonesty.
In many cases, both of your lives begin to revolve around the addiction. The addict spends his time and energy seeking out porn and masturbating for secret sexual pleasure. Everything else in his life suffers because the only thing on his mind is porn. He might even make decisions or take risks that put you in jeopardy. Even his ability to have sex with you might suffer adding further insult to injury. After compulsive masturbation to porn…some guys can only achieve orgasms in this way.
As the partner, your life is impacted by the addiction in several ways. Your physical and emotional wellbeing decline and negative emotions consume you. You try to make changes and compromises that meet his needs but they never do. They can’t! It becomes almost impossible to focus on your own needs and wants. Getting through normal daily life activities is a challenge.
Ultimately, the relationship suffers. Fear and resentment shut down any willingness to share your thoughts and feelings with each other. If the acting out continues, there will be endless arguments over his porn use. There may come a point when the only answer is to end the relationship. At this point, the porn wins. It has truly ruined your relationship.
Shame adds to the pain
Sexual betrayal caused by his porn addiction hurts because it creates shame that overshadows the situation and how you feel about yourself. Negative self-talk reinforces the shame.
- Feeling like you aren’t enough because you can’t compete with the porn stars
- Blaming yourself for his “need” to turn to porn or accepting the blame that he has placed on you
- Feeling stupid for not knowing what he was doing
- Losing trust in yourself and your intuition
- Fearing what other people will think if they find out
- Living with constant self-doubt
The shame plays into your desire to help him and to meet his needs. When you fall into this pattern, it allows him to continue to act out. Instead of expressing your negative emotions, you internalize them. The shame can keep you stuck in the relationship where you are repeatedly betrayed.
Reach out for support
Support groups can be very helpful as you face the pain and try to heal the hurt caused by his porn addiction. You can find support groups through a variety of sources including therapists, coaches, other partners of addicts, and through programs like S-anon.
One of the biggest values that a support group can provide is instant understanding of what you are going through and how much porn addiction hurts. You don’t have to tell them all of your feelings and details while reliving it at the same time. With just a high-level overview of your situation, the other people in the group will just get it. You also don’t have to try to convince them that the betrayal and pain is real. They know it is.
Joining a support group allows you to focus on you, your needs and your recovery. You can share your grief and work through it with the group. You can learn from others who have found successful ways to cope with the pain. Having the right support will help you build confidence and find joy in your life again.
The most important thing that you can do when your partner is addicted to porn is to take care of yourself. You need to focus on your health and wellbeing and make sure that your needs are being met.
As a partner, it is so easy to get caught up in focusing on him, his addiction, and his recovery. When both of you are focused on his needs, nobody is focused on your needs. He needs to take necessary actions to get his life in order and to recover from his addiction. You can’t do it for him.
There is so much work that you need to do for your own recovery and it’s not easy. You’ve experienced loss and betrayal. Take action that moves you toward healing and toward the life that you want. Reflect on your values and live in alignment with them. Practice self-care to rebuild your self-esteem, self-confidence, and feeling of self-worth.