How to Deal with your Husband’s Addiction

Dealing with your husband’s addiction

• Know you cannot fix your husband’s addiction. He has to take accountability for his actions and the negative impact his addiction has had on your relationship.
• If you have been living your life around his addiction and his needs, stop. So often, we spend all of our energy focused on things that we think will help him or make him happy because we think it will stop him from acting out. His compulsive use of pornography has nothing to do what you look like or how clean and organized you keep the house. Time spent to create the perfect environment or to alter your appearance in any way is time that you are not spending on you and your needs.
• Learn about porn addiction. The more you understand about your husband’s addiction and the real situation you are dealing with…the better. Just because he has an addiction doesn’t mean that he isn’t responsible for his actions and choices. Learning about porn addiction might help you understand why he turned to porn, how he got caught in the porn trap, what his porn addiction does to him and what it does to you, and how to handle the situation more objectively. He does need professional help and/or support from a program that can provide accountability and recovery. You are not his accountability partner, even if you gain an objective perspective.
• I know there is controversy on whether or not porn addiction is real. Even if it is not classified as an addiction, it sure has a lot of similarities. Like other addicts, your husband is going to have to manage a chronic condition/chronic obsession with pornography. It could be a lifelong battle for him and if you remain in the relationship, it will be something that is always a part of your relationship…even if he is in recovery and sober. Temptation and relapse are real.
• If you decide to stay in the relationship, acknowledge his progress and his wins. Going to meetings, engaging in therapy, and building trust with you are hard steps that he has to take toward recovery and sobriety. Approach his efforts from a place of compassion.
• Engage in self-care. You have to build a strong sense of YOU. Who you are as a person. What you enjoy. The priorities in your life. Knowing who you are will help define the self-care activities that make the most sense for you. When you close your eyes, if you see a bold woman – do things that align with being bold. When you close you eyes, if you see a put together woman – do things that make you look and feel put together. If volunteering and serving others is a priority for you, go volunteer. Self-care might sound cliché and maybe even insignificant given all that you are going through. Getting back to the true you, is one of the most significant things you can do to heal.
• Set boundaries. Really think about what you are willing to tolerate and what you aren’t. Boundaries are in place to meet your needs. There is a possibility that the relationship will end. Boundaries will help you know when the relationship and his actions are no longer serving your needs and when it is time to leave.

Take care of yourself

Stop paying the price for your husband’s addiction. It has caused enough disruption to your life. You’ve been hurt and deserve to focus on healing the hurt. Take care of you. Explore who you are and what you need in your future life. You have been changed by the betrayal but his addiction doesn’t have to define you. Spend your time and energy taking care of yourself and creating a life that you are ecstatic about. If you stay in the relationship, you may continue to face challenges. Do your best to be prepared for them and give yourself grace along the way.

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