Blaming Your Self for his Addiction

You might blame yourself for his addiction and think that if you were better in some way that he wouldn’t have sought out porn. Self-confidence goes down and you begin to doubt yourself and your value.

It’s likely that you had a feeling something was wrong but now you don’t trust yourself because you didn’t see his compulsive porn use. Remember, he made his own choices. His addiction to porn has nothing to do with you but it has probably ruined your self-esteem. He showed more interest in getting his porn fix than anything else, including you. Of course, you feel like you are not a priority in his life when so much of his time was spent with porn and not you. By lying to you and hiding a secret part of his life, he completely disrespected you. Whatever self-esteem you had before discovering his addiction has been eroded.

Your inner critic has also ruined your self-esteem

Let me start by saying that I am not blaming you or your inner critic at all. Almost all partners internalize the trauma and become critical of themselves, including me. It’s sort of a protective mechanism because if we are the problem, then we can fix ourself and make this horrible situation go away.

As we navigate through the new territory of our relationship after discovery, we take steps that further lower our self-esteem but only because we think it will help. We move further and further away from our true self and try to become what he is searching for in his pursuit of porn. Our wants and needs become irrelevant and all of our focus is on him. We don’t see it, but this is very detrimental to our self-esteem.

Positive self-esteem comes from a healthy relationship with yourself. When you have low self-esteem you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself. This is the direction that partners head after discovery. We give up ourselves at all costs to help him, to try to feel safe again, and to try to save our relationship. It’s not easy to see how much this is actually hurting us.

How to Rebuild Your Self-Esteem

Once you realize how much his porn addiction has ruined your self-esteem and that it is within your control to rebuild it…it’s time to take action. It is up to you but it is also totally within reason to expect him to be supportive if you stay in the relationship. Remember actions speak louder than words so if you feel your self-esteem being dragged down again, don’t ignore it. It might be time for a crucial conversation.

Here are actions you can take to rebuild your self-esteem:

• Define what you need and make your needs a priority
• Set boundaries that support your needs and create safety in your life
• Interact with others who know what you are going through
• Engage in self-exploration to see your true value and individual strengths
• Get back to activities that bring you joy and a sense of accomplishment
• Notice your inner critic and turn negative self-talk into positive self-talk
• Forgive yourself and know that you did the best that you could at the time

Bottom Line

In so many ways, his porn addiction ruined your self-esteem. It’s not your fault, it’s just another sucky part of the betrayal experience. Now that you see what has happened, you can take back your control and rebuild your self-esteem.

Positive self-esteem allows you to face challenges in a healthy way and allows you to draw on knowledge and skills to overcome challenges. Because you feel good about yourself, what you bring to the world and what you are capable of achieving, you can foster positive relationships and a real zest for life.

If you’d like to explore how coaching can help, schedule a free consultation here. I’d love to talk with you and become part of your support team.