How Betrayal Changes You

September 14, 2022

Partners of porn addicts are betrayed by one of the people they trust most in the world, their significant other. Discovery changes you. Discovering that your significant other has a secret, porn habit is devastating. It’s a shock. It’s a loss in so many ways. You lose what you knew as reality. You lose your security within the relationship. And, it can feel like you are losing your mind sometimes. The biggest loss is the loss of yourself. Betrayal changes you and you will never be the same person you were before discovery. 

Discovery changes you because you can’t forget it. It was proof that you were 100% committed to the relationship and he wasn’t. You begin to question everything. You would have done anything to spare him from a painful experience. Why wouldn’t he do the same? How could he be the one to hurt you? 

It feels like an attack directed at you because it didn’t have to be this way. He could have made a different decision and kept you safe from the pain you are experiencing now. Anger as you process what has happened is normal. You feel like you’ve been attacked. The betrayal changed how you saw yourself as a woman, a partner, and a person. It changes how you view the world.

Knowing how betrayal changes you is important 

    Betrayal causes trauma and distress. It affects your mental wellbeing and you might experience PTSD, anxiety or depression. It affects your physical wellbeing and you might experience headaches, GI upset, or sleep issues. Since these conditions and symptoms can have various causes, it’s important to know that the stress of betrayal can cause them too. 

    Betrayal causes fear. You are afraid of being betrayed again. Instead of feeling safe to be transparent and vulnerable in your relationships, you feel the need to protect yourself. You are always on guard and not able to feel calm in your own life. One of the ways that betrayal changes you is to cause you to operate from fear until you heal. 

    Betrayal causes self-doubt. Hindsight is 20/20. Now you can see the things you ignored or the things you explained away. At the time, you couldn’t see it. Still, you lose trust in yourself and your intuition. You are hypervigilant. You police his activities and his whereabouts to feel safe and in control. 

    Betrayal changes your view of life. It becomes your viewing lens. People, places, things, and memories become tainted. You may use unhealthy coping strategies to avoid dealing with the betrayal and the feelings you have. Betrayal changes you and you need a new lens to heal.

    How to counteract the ways betrayal changes you

    • Practice being present through activities like yoga, meditation, or walking in nature.
    • Journal your thoughts and feelings. Process your emotions and learn from them.
    • Make yourself the priority and take control of your life.  Establish boundaries that support you and make sure your needs are met. 
    • Be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion and self-care. 
    • Get support if you need it. A therapist or coach can be a great resource. 

    In Summary

    Discovering his problematic porn use was devastating. You were betrayed and it shaped who you are today. Healing from the betrayal is the most important thing you can focus on now. Realizing how you’ve been affected by the betrayal will give you a good starting point. 

    After you feel better and are more in control of your life, you can assess your relationship and make some decisions. You need to decide if trust can be rebuilt. Can you forgive and move forward in the relationship? Use what you have learned through this difficult situation. Accept that he betrayed you. It changed you but didn’t break you. Ultimately decide if you can rebuild a healthy relationship with him or if you need to leave. 

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