Don’t Let His Porn Use Ruin Your Life
January 03, 2023
When you discover that your husband has been secretly obsessed with pornography, it creates negative thoughts and emotions. Beyond the shock and anger lives self-criticism. You wonder what is wrong with you. Why would he need to spend so much time and energy watching other women? You question if it’s because you are not pretty enough or thin enough. You question what you could do or change about yourself to make him stop. Only after you recover from the devastation of discovery and learn more about problematic porn use can you begin to see that it doesn’t have anything to do with you. When you really believe that his porn use doesn’t mean anything about you or how you look, then you can start to realign with your true self and live a life that serves you.
Moving from self-criticism to self-acceptance
As you begin to regain your balance, you’ll be able to see how discovery created instability in your life. It had a lasting impact on you and you are a different person now. Everything you have gone through will be part of you. It’s not fair but you also can’t change it. The inner work required now is to move from self-criticism to self-acceptance. Reflect on the ways you haven’t been very kind to yourself lately. Think about the ways you put yourself down or question yourself when you compare yourself to the women he’s been looking at. Then commit to stop. Stop the negative self-talk. Stop the comparisons. Find something good about yourself and acknowledge it. Look at yourself in the mirror and smile. You might not be successful right away. Every time you catch yourself criticizing yourself and change your self-talk, it will get easier and easier to not think that way in the first place. At the end of the day, you are who you are. Who you are is perfect.
Reflect on your true self
Partners of porn addicts often comment that they don’t recognize themselves anymore. The days, weeks, and years after discovery can be one of the most challenging times of your life. The emotional pain takes its toll. It’s important to get back in touch with your true self which is now a combination of who you were before discovery plus the impact this situation has had on you. Take the time to think back to who you were. Remember how you used to spend your time and what you enjoyed doing. Who did you spend time with? Then honestly reflect on how discovering his compulsive porn use impacted you. How did it affect your routine? Did it taint any of the places or things you used to enjoy? Were any of your relationships impacted? Then dig a little deeper. How did you grow through this experience? Who are you now because of it?
The next step is to identify any gaps that exist. Is who you are today someone that aligns with your values? Are you living a life that feels good and meets your needs? Do you know the light that you add to the world? You deserve to live a life that aligns with your values, meets your needs, and fulfills you everyday. This is about you. Whether or not you stay in the relationship and whether or not he continues to use porn is irrelevant. You can reconnect with your true self and live in alignment with her.
Be intentional
You have to define what your ideal life looks like and be intentional about living it. Don’t be surprised if you still get triggered. You will. When you notice a trigger, call it what it is and stabilize your emotions. Then move on. Go back to building and living your best life. When you have a bad day, give yourself grace. Then remember the life you want and get back to it. You have to be intentional about moving beyond the discovery, the chaos it caused in your life, and the emotional pain. If you aren’t intentional, you might fall back into negative emotions and stay stuck in the past. Stuck in a life that isn’t serving you. You can live your best life. You deserve to live your best life. Define what your best life is and intentionally create it.
In summary
Take things one step at a time. Things aren’t always going to be easy but that’s okay. Slow forward progress will help you process what has happened and what you need now. You have the power to create safety and balance in your life. Be kind to yourself and accept yourself as you are. Realign with your true self. Take action to build and live your best life.
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