My experience with disclosure

For months, my husband worked with the therapist to write his disclosure. I worked with her on my impact statement, so I could share how his porn use hurt me and impacted my life.

Another part of the process was drafting a set of questions that he would answer for me. We spent a lot of time on the pieces of this process, and I thought it was going to be the turning point for us. Finally, I could stop wondering what else I didn’t know.

The disclosure did not meet my expectations. It was a let-down.

My husband shared a full history of his porn use. The problem was, he had already told me the full history during all of our one-on-one conversations and intense Q&A sessions at home. I didn’t learn anything new.

He even admitted that he wasn’t sure if there was more that I didn’t know because he couldn’t remember. He had been compulsively using pornography for so long and so often, he couldn’t remember all the details.

I wanted all the details.

It’s what I was promised with the disclosure. It’s what I needed to feel like I knew what was going on in my marriage, what was real. It’s what I thought I needed to feel secure again.

What I learned

At the time, I was upset. Disclosure had been built up as a critical step in our recovery as a couple. Leaving the office knowing what I had already known didn’t feel like a critical step.

Looking back now, I can see that even before therapy, my husband was trying to be as honest as he could with me. I wanted open and honest communication. He was showing up for it. I interrogated him on several occasions. He sat through them all. He answered all my questions.

I guess doing a disclosure was better than not doing it. If we hadn’t done it, my worry about not knowing everything would have been worse.

Going through this experience with disclosure taught me that I can trust my husband. He is willing to be vulnerable. He’s willing to face challenges with me. Repairing our relationship is a journey. I learned to focus on going through the journey with him instead of looking for the magic bullet to fix all our problems.

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