Dealing with betrayal when your husband is addicted to porn
July 22, 2021
Partners of porn addicts experience an extreme form of betrayal. Dealing with betrayal isn’t something that women expect to do when they enter a relationship. They did not expect their husband to secretly seek sexual pleasure outside of their intimate relationship. Even though there isn’t a physical human being engaging with him, it still feels like infidelity. Betrayal causes trauma and a major underlying cause of the trauma comes from the constant lies that you have been told. The real problem is that you discovered a secret life that ties directly to your core as his wife…it’s not just about porn use.
When partners discover their husband’s porn addiction, they feel like they are not enough and question the future of the relationship. What the partners are experiencing is trauma from the betrayal. The symptoms show up as shock, denial, replaying the discovery and his acting out over and over in their mind, unstable emotions, flashbacks, and loss of interest in other aspects of their life. Life doesn’t make sense anymore. In addition to the mental and emotional symptoms, partners also experience physical symptoms like sleep issues, headaches, and changes in their appetite just to name a few. Dealing with betrayal takes its toll on your health.
Competing with pornography
It’s common for partners to compare themselves to the porn stars and to try to compete with them for their husband’s attention. Even though it seems logical, you cannot compete with it and you cannot control his porn addiction. One thing you can do is stop letting his addiction and acting out tear you apart.
Don’t let him blame you for his addiction. Don’t blame yourself either. It’s not about what you do or don’t do. It’s not about how you look or don’t look. And, it’s not about sex. His addiction is about how he copes with stress and negative emotions in his life and he needs to realize that he has to learn new coping skills to overcome the addiction.
The bottom line is that he is an addict and he became addicted to a substance that was available to soothe him early in his life – masturbating to pornography. As you learn more about his addiction and about its impact on you and your relationship, this will become more evident. Dealing with the betrayal will still be difficult for a while but you will have a new perspective.
His addiction isn’t about you
Once you truly understand that his addiction is not about you at all, you are able to focus on healing from the betrayal. You have to get back to who you truly are as a woman and a person. Work on staying true to yourself and let him worry about his addiction. From knowing who you are, you will be able to determine what you need and what you are willing to tolerate and need in a relationship. As you heal, you will regain a sense of wellbeing in all areas of your life.
Focus on you
One of the keys to dealing with betrayal and healing from the trauma is to switch your focus from him and his addiction to you and your needs. The betrayal has torn you apart and stripped you of self-love. Rebuilding your self-esteem, understanding your own worthiness, and letting go of self-blame are critical.
You will likely experience triggers after discovery and they may continue to show up even as you engage in the healing process. If you can, start to notice the things that trigger you. It may be a certain place, a sound, or an image. As you heal, you will be able to better anticipate the triggers, recognize them as a trigger, and handle them more effectively. Once you realize that what you are experiencing is a trigger and you are safe, you can regulate your response to them.
It is also important to define boundaries so you have a safe place to heal from the betrayal. Boundaries are actually for you and not for him. As you think about what you need to feel safe, what you can tolerate and what you can’t, and what you want in your life…you will be able to set the boundaries that you need.
Self-care needs to be part of your healing journey. When I say self-care, I do mean things like getting a massage or reading for pleasure, but I also mean keeping promises to yourself that promote the best version of you. You don’t have to compromise what you want or need. Don’t look for you husband or anyone else to give you those things. Taking care of your own wants and needs is self-care. Time alone and time spent on activities that aren’t tied to the relationship are beneficial parts of a self-care practice too.
Forgive – for you! You need to forgive yourself for all of the things that you feel are your fault. Forgive yourself for not knowing about his unhealthy pornography use and for ignoring your intuition. Forgive yourself for trying to compete with the porn instead of spending that time and energy on yourself. Those things are in the past and now you know what you are dealing with betrayal and not personal fault. You have the present moment to soak in and appreciate and you have your whole future ahead of you. At some point, you could also forgive him. Again, this forgiveness is for you. It’s not saying that was he did was okay. It’s relieving you of negative feelings that no longer serve you so you can live peacefully.
Focus on what you can control which is you. Let go of the attempts to control him or his addiction. You can’t fix it and you can’t change to meet his emotional needs that made him turn to porn. He has compulsively used pornography to ease emotional pain. He needs to focus on his own recovery and building healthy coping mechanisms. Your priority is to focus on your own healing and building a strong foundation for the life that you deserve.
Find support. Unfortunately, most people in your family or social circles won’t understand. They may assume that he is a pervert or that you weren’t a good wife. Be careful who you share your story with because it could cause more trauma. You can turn to therapists trained in sex addiction (CSATs), support groups, and coaching as safe places to process what you are going through.
Your future life may or may not include him. It depends on how both of you progress in recovery activities as a couple and as individuals. You don’t have to make decisions about the future of the relationship right away unless you are in danger. If that is the case, you need to focus on your safety. Separation may be the only option. Your efforts to learn about his addiction and do the activities outlined above will help you prepare for whatever the future holds for your relationship.